Thursday, March 26, 2015

Earth Angels

Earlier this year I had the absolute pleasure of meeting the first responder who arrived at the scene and attempted to revive my son. More than anything, it was important for me to thank him for his efforts. I also wanted to let him know, if he wondered, that I was fine. He was in training as an EMT and "just happened" to be next door to the home daycare my son was at. What are the chances of that? Off and on I thought about him for years and imagined what it was like for him that day...

Our lives, for whatever reason, intersected that very day. Being able to connect with him was surreal, but felt oh-so-good, as he was exactly as I imagined. Our exchange of dialogue was heartfelt. I am so appreciative to have had the opportunity to meet him. We can now go our separate ways and know, that despite one of the most profound days of our lives, life continues and life is good.

Peace, Love, Light...

Sunday, October 12, 2014

10 Years




Lorenzo..

My little love. Is there a heaven? Are you there? Do you feel me? Do you see me? Do you understand me? I can only hope the answer to all the above is yes.

I miss the twinkle in my eye, the bounce in my step -- and most of all the innocence of my heart. I have finally accepted what has taken place..

You have enriched my life like no other. Yes, it was painstakingly painful, but I knew I would make it, but not without the love and support of so very many. I am blessed. So much pain and so much love at the same time. LOVE WINS.

I believe in God, I believe in life everlasting, I believe in you. I love you.

I am forever grateful...


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

7



I do not know much about the image chosen for this entry. Although one cannot see the entire statue from the photo, it is apparent that the individual is kneeling and making an offer of some sort, perhaps a plea. While anything is open to interpretation, I identified with it as it was appropriate for the moment at hand.

When Lorenzo passed away I remember a deep feeling of surrender. It was very obvious that I absolutely controlled little, if anything at all, and that it was time to return to a place that I once knew. I remember telling a life coach in the weeks that followed that I felt like holding up a white cloth to the universe and declaring my ultimate surrender. Having always had profound faith in God, I did not have a problem kneeling the ultimate kneel and making a plea for salvation. My soul was in desperate need of repair and so began my journey in finding my way back to the love and light I knew long before Lorenzo's passing.

7 years later, although I walk with my head high, I remain on my knees mentally, physically and spiritually. Life has come full circle in many ways. I continue to learn everyday and do my very best to be of service where possible, especially with those that walk the same path.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sources Of Strength

Tonite I stumbled upon a blog entry that was submitted sometime in 2005. Thankfully, I printed out a copy. As I read it again I wondered who wrote it. It was me...

Sources of s strength

Recently I was asked what things I have done to help get through this past year. First, I wold be sorely mistaking if I even thought it came from within and only within. The only thing one can even feel at first is utter shock. I truly believe that it is the anger of the event itself that has fueled me to new heights. I certainly am not a perfect person, but I've at least tried to do all my I's and cross all my t's my entire life. And then this?

I have been incredibly blessed with an amazing support system since I could remember. And if you are reading this, chances are you are a part of that. It's the beauty and the inherent good in all people that I find which encourages me to be a better person. And with marriage, that support system has grown ten-fold, so here again, I would be mistaking if I thought my strength was about me alone.

The fundamentals have been very helpful as well, reading, writing and meditation. We have awesome therapists / life coaches. and teachers of many faiths walk with us through the muck. We have had complete strangers offer a good word or share their own experience. With that in mind, it is so important for me / for us to share our experience.

There is a link for THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS on the homepage. TCF is a national non-profit organization that has been around for years. I found out about it through a good friend who lives on the East Coast. She was kind enough to send our family a note with information on her experience on the death of her beautiful daughter, that took a lot. Our family belong to a the PIL (pregnancy and infant loss) group of our local chapter, where there are many others just like us who have lost their babies during or after pregnancy. Unfortunately, there are constant newcomers. Experiencing their loss is like reliving my own, but in a sense their loss is my loss, and as someone held our hand was we went to our first meeting, we must do the same in return. So we sit, we cry, we talk, we share our experience in this rollercoaster that life has tossed us.

Finally, and most importantly... I pray, I pray often, I pray everyday. I've been taught to "ask to receive" not for myself, but "for the sake of sharing". It is by the Grace of God that I am able to open my heart to the universe and ask that I be given strength for the day, strength to pick up the pieces of our lives and carry on in this journey with a meaningful sense of direction, all while feeling the presence of Lorenzo....


I felt it important to republish the above, as it all still stands true today. As I read this old post I realized something was missing. My employer. I am a longtime employee of a company that truly is family. I continue to be eternally grateful for all that was done for me. Because I was at work when I got "the call" it took me a very long time to disassociate that moment...

I continue to be incredibly thankful for the graciousness of all those in my life and vow to be of service in a world with much pain, but yet still so beautiful.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The ground that I walk


While digging deep in the trenches of my closet I came across these battered shoes. I thought I had tossed them out a while back, but was not surprised I had not....

The night Lorenzo passed away there were many people at my house. One of them was the first family member I phoned, my sister. I will always have flashbacks of her reaction when I told her what had transpired. One of the things she did when I saw her was to take off the shoes she was wearing and offer them to me. I don't know what compelled her to do so. Maybe it was that I still had my work shoes were still on my feet? In any event, I wore those shoes relentlessly thereafter. As I sit here and compose this note I vividly remember how secure these shoes made me feel as I walked a dark journey that seemed would never end.

I would venture to say that, like many, my sister was at a loss over what to do for me. She will never know what this little gesture of hers did for my soul. Someday I will be strong enough to toss these shoes out. For now, they will sit in my closet, respectively, until I am ready for that next step.

Thanks sis, I love you and am forever grateful.

Monday, October 12, 2009

CINCO


It's been 5 years since you've been gone. For whatever reason, the 5 year mark serves a significant point for me. I suppose that is because 5 years ago I was looking at the future in 5's.... as in who I would be in 5 years, 10 years, etc. I guess that the truth is I just never thought I could make it. Yet the "me" that I know knows that no matter what the obstacle I would get through it. It was just so incredibly painful that initially seconds seemed like a lifetime.

My little love.. with yet another beautiful boy in our lives, it is time to say that there will be no more little ones joining our family. That is a definite baby wrap! The icing on the cake in this latest birth is that he is just like you. The look in his eyes is yours. His old soul demeanor is you. What a compliment to our lives.

Thank you, beautiful boy...

I love you.

"This Little Light of Mine... I'm gonna let it shine... let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Milestone


I could never imagine that the quality of my life would be as it is today. It is good, despite the trivial nothings I tend to indulge in from time to time.



My little guy, my precious little guy, you continue to strengthen me. I could never imagine my life without you. Even with yet another blessing in tow, we know and acknowledge that something is missing -- but only in the physical.


HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY

"I'll never let you go... if you promise not to fade away.."


I love you forever and ever.




~Madre