In Memory of Lorenzo~

"May the long time sun shine upon you,

All love surround you,

And the pure light within you

Guide your way home"

Faith ~ In Memory of Lorenzo B. Garcia

I started out this blog sometime in July. I knew the subject matter and came up with the title, "faith", thereafter. It's seriously no wonder why I never finished the blog entry. Before the passing of Lorenzo I seldom had a situation that I could not figure out or more likely just have and idea about, but the sudden passing of Lorenzo gave me the challenge of a lifetime.

How does one even fathom the passing of their child? To this day, at times, I shake my head in disbelief that "this happened" ~

Sometimes in my sorrow I look at my husband and say "I cannot believe we lost a child". As days past, soon months, somehow we are still standing. Somehow the smiles that were so blue are more common than not.

Life has carried on and somehow we are still here. I can only speak for myself when I speak about what has pulled me through the darkness. Because there are so many variables in grief, I could not possibly cover all angles of recovery, but the one thing that has always been my salvation is "faith" itself.

I liked one of the webster's dictionary definition on faith:

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

Yes, I actually had to look it up just to define it. Faith to me has always been more of a feeling than something I just cross my fingers to and "hope" for.

So what is it that I believe so strongly about, yet have no proof to present? God. With that in mind, how does that make things acceptable or even better? Not being a fan of cliche's, I don't want to necessarily say that "things happen for a reason", but there is something to that statement that rings true for me, although not as black and white as it may sound.

One cannot truly explain faith, nor can one explain God. For me, it seems to all go back to that interpersonal "feeling" of "knowing" that through all of our heartaches and challenges that there truly is a place "over the rainbow" where our hearts and minds will finally be at peace.

Needless to say, it is through our lifetime of experiences that we draw our conclusions about life. I've been blessed more than not, I am thankful to say. I can only offer, in the midst of the darkest times, to seek the positive and strive for the light that is there for the taking...

My heartfelt prayers...

Just yesterday a news story was reported about the passing of Lamar Odom's baby boy. Preliminary reports on all news outlets reported "suffocation" as the cause. I was glad to see that today the "headliner" was revised to "dies while sleeping" - pending autopsy results.

One local news outlet attributed SIDS as the possible cause. Since Lorenzo's passing it was the first time I had heard SIDS information broadcast within a "news story". Actually, this was broadcast in a health segment and not made into a sports story. I sat and watched as information I was so familiar with was broadcast. It's obvious that my pain is very personal, but last night I cried for a family that I did not even know. It did not matter that Dad is a Laker, all that mattered was that somewhere, once again, a family has lost their precious angel.

Since Lorenzo's passing I've often wondered where the SIDS public awareness news stories where. But the truth is if a story was broadcast on the news in length about SIDS it would mean that someone in the public eye had too lost their child. Never wishing the same experience for any family, I've often tried to justify the reason we don't hear about SIDS in the news is because it's not happening. My right mind tells me that I know better than that, it happens, but is too much for anyone to comprehend better yet report on.

It is important to note that the cause of the passing of baby Odom, respectfully, has not been officially determined. I stress this because there is nothing like hearing "speculation" in an instance such as this, especially when the reference is to your child, there is not a more personal matter.

That their light may always shine...

"Precious Child"

"Precious Child" was written by Karen Taylor-Good in loving memory of her nephew, Paul Rodgers. She first performed this beautiful song in Nashville at the 1998 National Conference of The Compassionate Friends, a national nonprofit self-help support organization that offers friendship and understanding to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings.

The night before Lorenzo's Birthday my husband and I attended our local TCF (The Compassionate Friends) grief support group. We have been attending TCF since the passing of Lorenzo. TCF has been of great support, unfortunately filled with others who too have lost.

This particular night, less than a week before memorial day, we gathered in a circle, lit candles and read poetic memorials in honor of our loved ones. At the end we all held hands and listened to "Precious Child" -


**************************************

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart


HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRECIOUS SON...

Dreamer

As mentioned on the homepage of http://lorenzogarcia.com, DREAMER: Inspired by a true story is the motion picture that my husband was working on when Lorenzo passed on. In October 2004, a year after Lorenzo passed, the movie was released. Just this past week the DVD was released.

While at Target I anxiously looked around for the DVD. There it was against the wall, multiple copies for sale. I wished I could take them all, but instead I bought a few. When I got home I knew that it was a can of worms opening up the package to watch, I was by myself. Having seen the movie before I was familiar with the opening scene, music included. Beautifully shot, it's an overhead view of Kentucky farmland. Picturesque wide open spaces have always warmed my heart, but for obvious reasons this one made me cry.

While on location throughout Kentucky and Lousiana, my husband would send me digital pics of his day. In turn, I would send pictures of our family, especially Lorenzo's progress, that is how we kept in touch. To date, I still have our emails back and forth.

Seeing the movie in the theater for the first time was very difficult. We had the opportunity to attend a private screening with some of the crew and cast. I probably cried through the entire movie, or at least I wanted to. Memories of better times and the reality of the moment kept crossing my mind. Nonetheless, I managed to absorb the storyline and enjoy the movie. It's a quality film that the entire family can enjoy, to the day my husband is proud to have been associated with a great piece of work, he speaks highly of all those he got to work with.

Although I've only had the pleasure of meeting a handful of the crew, my heart has always had the desire to thank everyone personally for their assistance, love and support. I am thankful to the female in the production office that I spoke with who eventually linked me to my husband in order to break the news. To the day I remember the concern in her voice, I stressed the importance of my husband not being alone and she assured me he would not. I thankful to my husband's work associate, Ken, who not only stayed with him in his hotel room, but flew back home with him as an escort, they continue to be friends. I am thankful to the Writer/ Director, and Producers and crew of the film that kept in touch with my family to check up on us and made sure we had food delivered everyday. I am thankful for the "In loving memory of" dedication in honor of Lorenzo that can be found in the end credits of the movie, I am thankful for all the cards, phone calls, well wishes. I am thankful for the beautiful flowers the Fanning family sent. It means so much to me to finally send my personal thanks to a group of people that my husband loved working with, it's good to know that despite the tragedy of it all, a silver lining exists.

As I wrap up this blog the movie continues to run in the background. My neice watches it again and my husband joins, life is somehow still beautiful....

http://dreamer.dreamworks.com

The Smashing Pumpkins' "Today"

If you're familiar with the music of 'The Smashing Pumpkins", you know their 1992 hit "Today". I've chosen to ignore the (said) negative inspiration behind this piece of work and instead have extracted what I took from it...

It starts with a beautiful guitar solo by Billy Corgan and continues with the lyrics "Today is the greatest day I've ever known" - Needless to say, Billy Corgan's voice is beautifully unique, as obvious in all of his work. That one line (... The greatest day I've ever known) has forever been a motto of mine, a way of life until the passing of Lorenzo.

The first time I heard that song after he passed was incredibly difficult, my "great" streak was gone, I could no longer say those words. Because I am not the kind of person that will drop-kick a work of art because of my own unfortunate biases, I continued to do my best to enjoy what was left of this song...

I can finally once again say that "Today is the greatest day I've ever known" -- I can now hear that song and the words ring true once more. Life did take a major detour, and continues to have occasional bumps, however to live today without ever knowing Lorenzo would be a profound loss in itself. His essence is forever with me, and for that, today really is the greatest day I've ever known.