Higher Communication

Once in a great while I have a terrific Renzo dream, when morning comes I feel both happy and sad.

The Dream:

I was holding Renzo while walking to a flight of stairs. I remember thinking about what a big boy he was. He was wearing a "4th of July" outfit, something a friend had bought for him. As we sat ont the stairway, waving goodbye to a family member, Renzo looked up at me. He motioned that I had to kiss him (mouth to mouth) to make him breathe again, so I did, again and again. It was almost like a game. He started to speak to me, though his lips never moved. Like a child, he said "mommy, do it again",I did. Each time I pecked his lips I would take a breath into his mouth as though administering CPR. Once I just felt like giving him a kiss, a peck on the lips. He was frustrated because I did not do it right, he said "you're not doing it right!" - Somewhere inside I laughed because he was such a little guy, yet he spoke volumes.

Renzo was good at communicating his needs. Incredibly intelligent, he could just look at you and convey a feeling. Sometimes when he would get frustrated (didn't like a toy, hungry on the spot, etc), he would take the high road and just lean his head in dispair with a look in his eyes that said "I'm not happy". Our relationship was like a dance, we did it well. I was usually about 2 seconds ahead of him, I usually caught his need before he conveyed it. Some would say that I was setting him up to be spoiled. When I heard that, I could not help but think "so what?", I am his mother. In retrospect, I am so happy that I gave the most that I could, that any parent should.

What makes SIDS so mind boggling is that one minute they are vibrant, thriving, and growing in every form, then they're gone. Getting into details about what the final moment was or wasn't is too painful to tackle, one would just hope that angels were nearby, making "the transition" most comfortable.

I am thankful for my dreams, they keep me optimistic that there is an "over the rainbow" - Somewhere.

Distraction

Distraction is good, it can take away the mood of the moment, if only for a moment.

My morning distraction was when I appeared to be charged twice for recent dry cleaning. When I called the dry cleaner a woman told me that "she was busy" and could not help me- period, no further conversation or recommendation. I reminded her that she is running a business and that I am a customer who needs a resolution to my $68 x 2 problem. Honestly though, in the end I think it was just one big language communication breakdown. So I went the other route, gave a heads-up to my bank to let them know that I had a problem that I did not think would get resolved in a moments time. When all was said and done I felt bad about the tone in my voice, afterall, she appeared to be a very nice person when I met her last week, just a communication problem.

* Dad's distraction of the moment is the current LA Dodger Stat, 11-2. Ahh.. distractions aren't always bad! *

Coming home after work is always a little difficult, especially when the house is empty. My mind looks for things to do, cleaning and such, so that I do not have to think about the obvious. Sure enough, one of our cats is missing. Buds is an indoor/outdoor cat, he finally came out from under the sofa. Listless, refusing to eat, what now? I looked closer, Buds jaw is inflammed. I've made an appointment to see the Vet tomorrow, a costly distraction it's gonna be. Oh well, he's good to us, it hurts to see him ill. Buds actually found us after we lost Renzo. Interesting how things seem to transpire, will go into detail about that sometime...

For now, it's good to recognize that the challenges of the moment are really what we make them, a definite matter of perspective.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies..."