Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Lorenzo's Goodbye

A year ago almost this very moment was the last time I spent time with Lorenzo. We had our routine every night, like me, he was like clockwork. Late afternoon/early evening I would stroll him around the neighborhood before the sunset, he would usually fall asleep. After came the feeding, the playing, my own feeding, the bath. Lorenzo loved bathtime. Never much for tears, he smiled and blinked everytime the water rolled down his face. And when it was time to dry him off he would love the hide-and-seek towel game. As I placed baby lotion on him I would sometimes sing silly tunes in hope of distracting him from a cold moment, but he never complained.

This night I placed a sort of Jungle Gym on top of my bed. It was red with white polka dots, looked like a big lady bug. With soft padding on the bottom and dangling objects of all sizes on the top, Lorenzo would lay down and gaze up at the different things hanging down. At the same time, I would alternate different toys in anticipation of him eventually getting bored. With the television on in the background, I would dim the lamp little by little until he went to sleep.

This night RACHAEL RAY's $40 A DAY was on. I gotta tell you, he seemed more intrigued with these type shows, moreso than cartoons. In any event, this night I remember sitting up on my bed with my back against the pillows. As I peeked around his play area I felt a distinct energy. An energy most of us have at least felt once in our lives, the energy of someone looking at us. I turned to my right and looked down. It was Lorenzo. His eyes were incredibly full. He looked me straight on, it took my breath away. When he knew he had my full attention he smiled at me, it was beautiful. My heart literally skipped a beat, I was in awe of his command. As I took a breath I held my hand to my chest and said "Lorenzo, mama loves you too..." Never in my life had I felt the radiant feeling that he gave, it was magical.

I thanked the lord before I went to bed that night, I cried because I was so happy, I truly knew that we were blessed...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

In the air

As Fall quickly approaches we are reminded of this time last year. Although the weather keeps shifting, it is obvious that the night is falling faster everyday.

For the first time a couple of weeks ago I felt a cool breeze in the air. I looked up at the sky, it just looked different. Coming from a region where the change of season is not as apparent as some, for once I could identify change in the air - it broke my heart, yet I was fully aware of the beauty of nature.

The leaves on the trees are slowly starting to fall. Before you know it, little goblins, princesses and warriors will be knocking on our door for a trick-or-treat. Another sign that life keeps going on. Traditionally Halloween was one of my favorite "holidays", it still is, despite the void in my heart. I enjoy the spirit of the kids' excited about dressing up or being their favorite action hero, their innocence is such a beautiful thing.

With the change in season comes the marker that we are coming upon the anniversary of Lorenzo's death. His passing hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my life, everyday I am in total disbelief that he is physically gone, yet I know he is still here..


Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can i sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can i handle the seasons of my life