Messages of hope

Or should I say messengers of hope?

During a group setting with other parents who have lost children, healthcare professionals who wanted insight on those who have lost, and others present (family members, etc)I was able to share a few experiences my husband and I had after Lorenzo's passing. I had no reservations about what I was sharing, afterall, I felt as though my emotional life at that point was so exposed anyhow. There was nothing I was apprehensive about sharing.

After sharing one of our experiences, a grandmother offered that "sometimes we make things up to make ourselves feel better.." - Wow. Understandable, why should anyone take the word of a stranger? First of all, I have no reason to lie and/or exaggerate a situation. My life at times is so colorful, there is no need to season it. I appreciate a story told as is, so that's how I tell one.

The "D" Word

I've never liked the "D" word. Not only is the connotation negative in general, there's such a finality to it. "Death" - striking, isn't it?

One might think that I am uncomfortable with it because I don't accept and/or want to believe that Lorenzo has departed. That's a fair assessment, but not the case for me.

As often as I can, I say Lorenzo has "passed on" instead. Afterall, I am a believer, and have always been a believer, life is everlasting. It may not be in the form that I prefer it, but nonetheless it remains in spirit. And when I say "spirit", I don't mean like the cheerleading "rah-rah" type, I mean actual "living spirit of the soul" ~

On the eve of the 2nd year of his passing, I am saddened, of course. Memories of the day he passed on seem like just yesterday, minus the cutting pain. The very moment is surreal. Yet, sometimes I can literally feel the season ('04) in the air, almost like a deja-vu.

Rebirth

Easter Sunday 2007. Admittedly, it's taken me quite sometime to really recognize the religious significance of Easter. Realizing it was so much more than bunnies and baskets, I was not sure what to do as a family this year. Nonetheless, we purchased easter baskets, plastic eggs and grass, stickers and so on. Afterall, we still are a family with young children.

Last night after dinner we colored and decorated eggs. We took some pictures to remember this event, of course.

Til Kingdom Come

In


UPDATED / PUBLISHED 4Q 2018

Another no clue what my thoughts were when sitting to type. Many times I had thoughts and feelings in the moment, but could not articulate what it was I was feeling.

TIL KINGDOM COME. Google COLDPLAY song with same title. Yes, Lorenzo. TIL KINGDOM COME.

What a difference a day makes...

Or two, three, four -- fourteen years.

But by and for the grace of God here I am. Lorenzo will never be forgotten, but the second by second pain in my heart and head has all but been completely diminished. For that I am grateful. A million and one blessings and angels by my side. A million and one self-help efforts. Praise God for this new day.


EDITED 4Q 2018

I believe in miracles

Today I woke up saddened. It is once again the anniversary of the passing of Lorenzo. I planned to be as busy as possible so that I would be preoccupied. It worked well. While at ...

4Q 2018 Update: I have no clue what my final thoughts were. I will publish nonetheless because I like the post title: I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. Yes I do, yesss I do.

I suppose...

Noticeably one thing I have not spoken about on this blog site were the circumstances surrounding your passing. To be quite honest, I was on auto pilot and, thankfully, focused on my love for you, my profound love for God, love for my family and the innermost will to survive.

At this point in the blog I started to remember exactly how I felt. I took myself to a place I never want to return. I started to feel sick to my stomach and mind over the events that transpired that day. Deeper and deeper I went. I refuse to go there. I refuse to littler my beautiful memories of Lorenzo with recollections of irresponsibility.

Let me guess.... at this point anyone who thinks they know anything about SIDS would tell me that "there was nothing anyone could have done" -- blah blah blah. Well, I may not wear a white coat, work in a morgue, or wear a dark uniform, but I am an expert in this thing they call SIDS nonetheless.

Sometimes

Sometimes it all comes back to me. I sit, sometimes paralyzed, and allow these feelings to run through me. I will use these moments of discomfort not to be reminded of the pain, but to be reminded of the miracle of you. The grace of the universe has allowed me to understand that you - my kindred little spirit - were a blessing.