Anniversaries

It's close to the midnight hour, Renzo was born almost a year to date. A while back someone told me that "Anniversaries" would be difficult. I really didn't know what that meant at the moment, but there have been many an anniversary since Renzo passed on.

The date of his birth is absolutely an Anniversary of sorts. Whether I know it or not, deep inside an obvious pain of what should have been surfaces even more. This time last year my husand and I were at the hospital, this time last year my family was embarking on a very happy moment, Renzo was so loved and so wanted in my world, in our world.

As it goes, I had visions of his first Birthday party. It is definitely the opinion of some, including myself, that the first Birthday is almost a celebration for the family. A milestone, that first year of life, the first year of birth is one to be celebrated. Afterall, so much happens in that first year. The brain continues to develop at a rapid place, the body does the same. There's the first tooth, the first rollover, the first crawl, the first solid food, the smiles, the sound of laughter, and most of all, the innocent and beautiful - most anticipated- "Mama" and "Dada".

SIDS Babies never have that chance

My heart hurts so badly. What it is going to take to call attention to this matter? Babies are human beings, not just an extension of our egos. They matter too, along with all living life. Where does the thriving end? How does their will to survive just disappear? Who will be their voice?

I hope my cries never go unheard.


We love you Rencito.


Take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place, if you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.....

The cat that suddenly appeared

I mentioned Buds sometime ago, he is the cat that appeared on Thanksgiving morning, about a month after Renzo passed away. A beautiful grey cat, Buds was named so for the obvious. My husband and I sat on the carpet Thanksgiving morning, putting together some photos of Renzo that we were going to place in a frame just purchased online. We wanted the pictures up to make everyone comfortable, the frame with various pictures still sits on the wall before the front door. My husband and I both cried, it was a simple task that was incredibly painful. He got up after a while, as I sat and indulged in the memories of what once was. Tears rolled down my face, it was much too much for me. My oldest son came out and sat with me, feeling for the moment. That was a strange occurrence,I didn't know I was that loud. After a while, he too left. I gathered the scattered pictures and put them away. As I got up, I looked to the back door, there was Buds peeking through the window.

Through a very trying time Buddy was with us. At first we didn't let him in, soon enough he was sleeping on our bed. My head would turn around in wonder, where did our baby son go? Why is there a strange cat on our bed? Maybe we all needed each other. We treated Buds like our own, but he was accustomed to the outside so we accommodated him with in and out privileges. So many told us to keep him in the house, I could not do that. How could I take away this free being and lock him up in my environment? It was a pleasure to see Buddy lounge in the sun, climb a tree, chase a squirrel.

The cat that suddenly appeared has disappeared.

It's been near 3 weeks that Buddy has been gone. My level of "cetainty" that he would come back is diminishing everyday. I still have hope, yet nothing surprises me anymore. I found it interesting that, at the same time Buds disappeared, I was feeling a dark emotional layer being lifted. I suddenly felt more "normal" than not, hard to explain, yet that is exactly the way it felt. As a friend put it, and as I already knew, Buds came at a very fragile time, he was right on time, and now he's gone.

I miss him too...

It's been a while

Today I realized that I hadn't posted anything in a while. I attribute that to my fluctuating mood, it has been so bizarre that anything I would have written would have come off as sounding either pessimistic or just too much to handle. One thing I do know is that people tend to back off when something is too heavy. Things we are not used to hearing are uncomfortable and can be difficult to comprehend. We're used to retreating into the world that we know, the safe place that we go when something is not right.

SIDS Happens Everyday.

One thing that I do know is that I have never been afraid to speak the truth. In some circumstances that can get you in trouble, but I am talking about truth in the things that matter, issues of life and death. When I speak frankly about the death of Renzo, I am not speaking to push sadden or frighten anyone, I am speaking in memory of one of the great loves of my life. I am speaking about a soul who was not only special to me, but special to everyone who met him. I am left as a mere conduit to his memory. It's not necessarily just about keeping his memory alive, it's about shouting out the fact that this is not right.

One day healthy, the next day gone.

On occasion I have heard "just have another one" - Wow, what a statement! No kidding, people actually think they are positively contributing by suggesting such a simple "solution" - Whoa. I guess they too reach the point of not knowing whatelse to say, whatelse to think. One person said "you'll feel better", begging the question as to how they would know that. I smile, sometimes often. My smiles are even bigger than before, sometimes exaggerated, as I know how quickly life can turn around. Part of that smile comes from knowing that, despite the tragedy, we were truly blessed to have had Renzo in the first place.

Everyday I search, everyday I will continue to search. I know the light is there.

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful....