Once in a great while I have a terrific Renzo dream, when morning comes I feel both happy and sad.
The Dream:
I was holding Renzo while walking to a flight of stairs. I remember thinking about what a big boy he was. He was wearing a "4th of July" outfit, something a friend had bought for him. As we sat ont the stairway, waving goodbye to a family member, Renzo looked up at me. He motioned that I had to kiss him (mouth to mouth) to make him breathe again, so I did, again and again. It was almost like a game. He started to speak to me, though his lips never moved. Like a child, he said "mommy, do it again",I did. Each time I pecked his lips I would take a breath into his mouth as though administering CPR. Once I just felt like giving him a kiss, a peck on the lips. He was frustrated because I did not do it right, he said "you're not doing it right!" - Somewhere inside I laughed because he was such a little guy, yet he spoke volumes.
Renzo was good at communicating his needs. Incredibly intelligent, he could just look at you and convey a feeling. Sometimes when he would get frustrated (didn't like a toy, hungry on the spot, etc), he would take the high road and just lean his head in dispair with a look in his eyes that said "I'm not happy". Our relationship was like a dance, we did it well. I was usually about 2 seconds ahead of him, I usually caught his need before he conveyed it. Some would say that I was setting him up to be spoiled. When I heard that, I could not help but think "so what?", I am his mother. In retrospect, I am so happy that I gave the most that I could, that any parent should.
What makes SIDS so mind boggling is that one minute they are vibrant, thriving, and growing in every form, then they're gone. Getting into details about what the final moment was or wasn't is too painful to tackle, one would just hope that angels were nearby, making "the transition" most comfortable.
I am thankful for my dreams, they keep me optimistic that there is an "over the rainbow" - Somewhere.
About Me
- Forever Lorenzo's Mother
- It has been 14 years since my son passed away while at a home daycare. Life, as one can imagine, took an incredibly challenging turn, but here I am. I rarely identify myself or those closest to me on this page, as in the beginning it served as a sort of "therapy" just for me. I am grateful to have had a place to come to when I needed to "communicate" and make sense about what the world happened to my beautiful boy, my life. I am also grateful that I could look back in this diary of sorts and now see that along with an amazing support system, absolute faith and persistence to survive has brought me to where I am today. Much love and light to those on the road of recovery - any recovery. Believe in what may seem impossible...