Messages of hope

Or should I say messengers of hope?

During a group setting with other parents who have lost children, healthcare professionals who wanted insight on those who have lost, and others present (family members, etc)I was able to share a few experiences my husband and I had after Lorenzo's passing. I had no reservations about what I was sharing, afterall, I felt as though my emotional life at that point was so exposed anyhow. There was nothing I was apprehensive about sharing.

After sharing one of our experiences, a grandmother offered that "sometimes we make things up to make ourselves feel better.." - Wow. Understandable, why should anyone take the word of a stranger? First of all, I have no reason to lie and/or exaggerate a situation. My life at times is so colorful, there is no need to season it. I appreciate a story told as is, so that's how I tell one.

The "D" Word

I've never liked the "D" word. Not only is the connotation negative in general, there's such a finality to it. "Death" - striking, isn't it?

One might think that I am uncomfortable with it because I don't accept and/or want to believe that Lorenzo has departed. That's a fair assessment, but not the case for me.

As often as I can, I say Lorenzo has "passed on" instead. Afterall, I am a believer, and have always been a believer, life is everlasting. It may not be in the form that I prefer it, but nonetheless it remains in spirit. And when I say "spirit", I don't mean like the cheerleading "rah-rah" type, I mean actual "living spirit of the soul" ~

On the eve of the 2nd year of his passing, I am saddened, of course. Memories of the day he passed on seem like just yesterday, minus the cutting pain. The very moment is surreal. Yet, sometimes I can literally feel the season ('04) in the air, almost like a deja-vu.

Rebirth

Easter Sunday 2007. Admittedly, it's taken me quite sometime to really recognize the religious significance of Easter. Realizing it was so much more than bunnies and baskets, I was not sure what to do as a family this year. Nonetheless, we purchased easter baskets, plastic eggs and grass, stickers and so on. Afterall, we still are a family with young children.

Last night after dinner we colored and decorated eggs. We took some pictures to remember this event, of course.

Til Kingdom Come

In


UPDATED / PUBLISHED 4Q 2018

Another no clue what my thoughts were when sitting to type. Many times I had thoughts and feelings in the moment, but could not articulate what it was I was feeling.

TIL KINGDOM COME. Google COLDPLAY song with same title. Yes, Lorenzo. TIL KINGDOM COME.

What a difference a day makes...

Or two, three, four -- fourteen years.

But by and for the grace of God here I am. Lorenzo will never be forgotten, but the second by second pain in my heart and head has all but been completely diminished. For that I am grateful. A million and one blessings and angels by my side. A million and one self-help efforts. Praise God for this new day.


EDITED 4Q 2018

I believe in miracles

Today I woke up saddened. It is once again the anniversary of the passing of Lorenzo. I planned to be as busy as possible so that I would be preoccupied. It worked well. While at ...

4Q 2018 Update: I have no clue what my final thoughts were. I will publish nonetheless because I like the post title: I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. Yes I do, yesss I do.

I suppose...

Noticeably one thing I have not spoken about on this blog site were the circumstances surrounding your passing. To be quite honest, I was on auto pilot and, thankfully, focused on my love for you, my profound love for God, love for my family and the innermost will to survive.

At this point in the blog I started to remember exactly how I felt. I took myself to a place I never want to return. I started to feel sick to my stomach and mind over the events that transpired that day. Deeper and deeper I went. I refuse to go there. I refuse to littler my beautiful memories of Lorenzo with recollections of irresponsibility.

Let me guess.... at this point anyone who thinks they know anything about SIDS would tell me that "there was nothing anyone could have done" -- blah blah blah. Well, I may not wear a white coat, work in a morgue, or wear a dark uniform, but I am an expert in this thing they call SIDS nonetheless.

Sometimes

Sometimes it all comes back to me. I sit, sometimes paralyzed, and allow these feelings to run through me. I will use these moments of discomfort not to be reminded of the pain, but to be reminded of the miracle of you. The grace of the universe has allowed me to understand that you - my kindred little spirit - were a blessing.

Earth Angels

Earlier this year I had the absolute pleasure of meeting the first responder who arrived at 'the scene' and attempted to revive my son. More than anything, it was important for me to thank him for his efforts. I also wanted to let him know, if he wondered, that I was fine. At the time of the incident he was in training as an EMT and "just happened" to be next door working on a home next to the residential "daycare" my son was at. What are the chances of that? Off and on I thought about him for years and imagined what it was like for him that day...

Our lives, for whatever reason, intersected that very day. Being able to connect with him was surreal, but felt oh-so-good, as he was exactly as I imagined. Our exchange of dialogue was heartfelt. I am so appreciative to have had the opportunity to meet him. We can now go our separate ways and know, that despite one of the most profound days of our lives, life continues and life is good.

Peace, Love, Light...

10 Years

Lorenzo..

My little love. Is there a heaven? Are you there? Do you feel me? Do you see me? Do you understand me? I can only hope the answer to all the above is yes.

I miss the twinkle in my eye, the bounce in my step -- and most of all the innocence of my heart. I have finally accepted what has taken place..

You have enriched my life like no other. Yes, it was painstakingly painful, but I knew I would make it, but not without the love and support of so very many. I am blessed. So much pain and so much love at the same time. LOVE WINS.

I believe in God, I believe in life everlasting, I believe in you. I love you.

I am forever grateful...

7

I do not know much about the image chosen for this entry. Although one cannot see the entire statue from the photo, it is apparent that the individual is kneeling and making an offer of some sort, perhaps a plea. While anything is open to interpretation, I identified with it as it was appropriate for the moment at hand.

When Lorenzo passed away I remember a deep feeling of surrender. It was very obvious that I absolutely controlled little, if anything at all, and that it was time to return to a place that I once knew. I remember telling a life coach in the weeks that followed that I felt like holding up a white cloth to the universe and declaring my ultimate surrender. Having always had profound faith in God, I did not have a problem kneeling the ultimate kneel and making a plea for salvation. My soul was in desperate need of repair and so began my journey in finding my way back to the love and light I knew long before Lorenzo's passing.

7 years later, although I walk with my head high, I remain on my knees mentally, physically and spiritually. Life has come full circle in many ways. I continue to learn everyday and do my very best to be of service where possible, especially with those that walk the same path.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Sources Of Strength

Tonite I stumbled upon a blog entry that was submitted sometime in 2005. Thankfully, I printed out a copy. As I read it again I wondered who wrote it. It was me...

Sources of s strength

Recently I was asked what things I have done to help get through this past year. First, I wold be sorely mistaking if I even thought it came from within and only within. The only thing one can even feel at first is utter shock. I truly believe that it is the anger of the event itself that has fueled me to new heights. I certainly am not a perfect person, but I've at least tried to do all my I's and cross all my t's my entire life. And then this?

I have been incredibly blessed with an amazing support system since I could remember. And if you are reading this, chances are you are a part of that. It's the beauty and the inherent good in all people that I find which encourages me to be a better person. And with marriage, that support system has grown ten-fold, so here again, I would be mistaking if I thought my strength was about me alone.

The fundamentals have been very helpful as well, reading, writing and meditation. We have awesome therapists / life coaches. and teachers of many faiths walk with us through the muck. We have had complete strangers offer a good word or share their own experience. With that in mind, it is so important for me / for us to share our experience.

There is a link for THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS on the homepage. TCF is a national non-profit organization that has been around for years. I found out about it through a good friend who lives on the East Coast. She was kind enough to send our family a note with information on her experience on the death of her beautiful daughter, that took a lot. Our family belong to a the PIL (pregnancy and infant loss) group of our local chapter, where there are many others just like us who have lost their babies during or after pregnancy. Unfortunately, there are constant newcomers. Experiencing their loss is like reliving my own, but in a sense their loss is my loss, and as someone held our hand was we went to our first meeting, we must do the same in return. So we sit, we cry, we talk, we share our experience in this rollercoaster that life has tossed us.

Finally, and most importantly... I pray, I pray often, I pray everyday. I've been taught to "ask to receive" not for myself, but "for the sake of sharing". It is by the Grace of God that I am able to open my heart to the universe and ask that I be given strength for the day, strength to pick up the pieces of our lives and carry on in this journey with a meaningful sense of direction, all while feeling the presence of Lorenzo....


I felt it important to republish the above, as it all still stands true today. As I read this old post I realized something was missing. My employer. I am a longtime employee of a company that truly is family. I continue to be eternally grateful for all that was done for me. Because I was at work when I got "the call" it took me a very long time to disassociate that moment...

I continue to be incredibly thankful for the graciousness of all those in my life and vow to be of service in a world with much pain, but yet still so beautiful.

The ground that I walk

While digging deep in the trenches of my closet I came across these battered shoes. I thought I had tossed them out a while back, but was not surprised I had not....

The night Lorenzo passed away there were many people at my house. One of them was the first family member I phoned, my sister. I will always have flashbacks of her reaction when I told her what had transpired. One of the things she did when I saw her was to take off the shoes she was wearing and offer them to me. I don't know what compelled her to do so. Maybe it was that I still had my work shoes were still on my feet? In any event, I wore those shoes relentlessly thereafter. As I sit here and compose this note I vividly remember how secure these shoes made me feel as I walked a dark journey that seemed would never end.

I would venture to say that, like many, my sister was at a loss over what to do for me. She will never know what this little gesture of hers did for my soul. Someday I will be strong enough to toss these shoes out. For now, they will sit in my closet, respectively, until I am ready for that next step.

Thanks sis, I love you and am forever grateful.

CINCO

It's been 5 years since you've been gone. For whatever reason, the 5 year mark serves a significant point for me. I suppose that is because 5 years ago I was looking at the future in 5's.... as in who I would be in 5 years, 10 years, etc. I guess that the truth is I just never thought I could make it. Yet the "me" that I know knows that no matter what the obstacle I would get through it. It was just so incredibly painful that initially seconds seemed like a lifetime.

My little love.. with yet another beautiful boy in our lives, it is time to say that there will be no more little ones joining our family. That is a definite baby wrap! The icing on the cake in this latest birth is that he is just like you. The look in his eyes is yours. His old soul demeanor is you. What a compliment to our lives.

Thank you, beautiful boy...

I love you.

"This Little Light of Mine... I'm gonna let it shine... let it shine, let it shine, let it shine..."