I'm still here

My beautiful boy, it's been to long since I've written to you or about you. I suppose that it would be simple for people to think it's because I have moved on, which is somewhat the case -- yet not at all.

I think of you everyday. I promise you, as I promise myself, that it's a very natural feeling and not one meant to somehow punish myself into misery. Because life in it's infinite ways has thrown our family into dire straits of a new kind I am quite preoccupied. Strangely enough, it is because of you that I am able to keep my head above water.

Today I live in duality. On one hand I am weaker than I have ever been, on the other hand I am stronger than I have ever been. The illusion I once lived is no more.

I love you until the day I too find my way home.

Madre.

"The Rainbow Connection"

Recently we had a really blue day. Mid-day my husband and went to a local favorite restaurant hoping to turn our blues around. As we sat at the bar waiting for out table "The rainbow connection" played in the background -- It brought a smile to my face, as it is another song that really resonates in my heart everytime I hear it.

In memory of Lorenzo. We love you dear sweet boy...

Why are there so many songs about rainbows And what's on the other side?

Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,And rainbows have nothing to hide.

So we've been told and some choose to believe it I know they're wrong, wait and see.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard and answered When wished on the morning star?Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it,And look what it's done so far.What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing And what do we think we might see?Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

All of us under its spell,We know that it's probably magic...
... Have you been half asleep? And have you heard voices?I've heard them calling my name.... Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors?The voice might be one and the sameI've heard it too many times to ignore it It's something that I'm s'posed to be...Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection,The lovers, the dreamers, and me.

Laa, da daa dee da daa daa,La laa la la laa dee daa doo...

written by Kenny Ascher and Paul Williams

7/7/07

This morning someone told me that today was a holy day. Holy Day? While I understood the mathematical phenomenon of the date today I did not understand how it was a HOLY day. So, I looked it up...

According to Michael Hoggard's "By Divine Order, Scripture Numerics and BibleProphecy" ( http://www.fillthevoid.org/Apologetics/number7MikeHoggard.html), "The number 7 is God's very own number, and is associated with Divine completion and perfection. It becomes apparent to most who read the Scriptures that the number 7 is the most significant number in all of the Scriptures." Who knew?

In any event, besides being my family member's birthday, today carried on as a normal day to me. As I usually do, I opened our front door for some fresh air this morning. And, as usual, once again, someone left a business card offering "landscaping services" - (Ha! What are they trying to tell us?) And, as usual, I got annoyed and was ready to throw the card into the recycle bin. However, it was a very nice card (glossy color copy) so I chose to read it. The business name was "DE LOS SANTOS" landscaping. The backside read "ASK FOR LORENZO" - Whoa!

So what is the "DE LOS SANTOS" translation to english? Basically it translates into "OF THE SAINTS". I felt warm and fuzzy inside and joked with my husband that I "ask for Lorenzo" everyday! I let it go at that. Not long after that we got in the car to run to the local mall. After channel surfing I came across the tail end of one of thee key songs that I seemed to hear over and over again after Lorenzo's passing. Now we all have emotional attachments to certain songs once in a while, but there was something literally electrifying in my soul when I heard this song (Maroon5's "She will be loved" -http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/maroon5/shewillbeloved.html) Note that this song has been out of pop radio rotation for quite sometime. Ahh....confirmed. I knew... there was definitely significance to today afterall.

I love you my dear son.

" Try so hard to say goodbye..."

-Mama

Celebrating you.

Dear Son~

This life we live carries on without your physical presence.

There is a void in our hearts and minds.

Nonetheless, we celebrate you....

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY

BEAUTIFUL BOY.

In Memory of Lorenzo~

"May the long time sun shine upon you,

All love surround you,

And the pure light within you

Guide your way home"

Faith ~ In Memory of Lorenzo B. Garcia

I started out this blog sometime in July. I knew the subject matter and came up with the title, "faith", thereafter. It's seriously no wonder why I never finished the blog entry. Before the passing of Lorenzo I seldom had a situation that I could not figure out or more likely just have and idea about, but the sudden passing of Lorenzo gave me the challenge of a lifetime.

How does one even fathom the passing of their child? To this day, at times, I shake my head in disbelief that "this happened" ~

Sometimes in my sorrow I look at my husband and say "I cannot believe we lost a child". As days past, soon months, somehow we are still standing. Somehow the smiles that were so blue are more common than not.

Life has carried on and somehow we are still here. I can only speak for myself when I speak about what has pulled me through the darkness. Because there are so many variables in grief, I could not possibly cover all angles of recovery, but the one thing that has always been my salvation is "faith" itself.

I liked one of the webster's dictionary definition on faith:

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust

Yes, I actually had to look it up just to define it. Faith to me has always been more of a feeling than something I just cross my fingers to and "hope" for.

So what is it that I believe so strongly about, yet have no proof to present? God. With that in mind, how does that make things acceptable or even better? Not being a fan of cliche's, I don't want to necessarily say that "things happen for a reason", but there is something to that statement that rings true for me, although not as black and white as it may sound.

One cannot truly explain faith, nor can one explain God. For me, it seems to all go back to that interpersonal "feeling" of "knowing" that through all of our heartaches and challenges that there truly is a place "over the rainbow" where our hearts and minds will finally be at peace.

Needless to say, it is through our lifetime of experiences that we draw our conclusions about life. I've been blessed more than not, I am thankful to say. I can only offer, in the midst of the darkest times, to seek the positive and strive for the light that is there for the taking...

My heartfelt prayers...

Just yesterday a news story was reported about the passing of Lamar Odom's baby boy. Preliminary reports on all news outlets reported "suffocation" as the cause. I was glad to see that today the "headliner" was revised to "dies while sleeping" - pending autopsy results.

One local news outlet attributed SIDS as the possible cause. Since Lorenzo's passing it was the first time I had heard SIDS information broadcast within a "news story". Actually, this was broadcast in a health segment and not made into a sports story. I sat and watched as information I was so familiar with was broadcast. It's obvious that my pain is very personal, but last night I cried for a family that I did not even know. It did not matter that Dad is a Laker, all that mattered was that somewhere, once again, a family has lost their precious angel.

Since Lorenzo's passing I've often wondered where the SIDS public awareness news stories where. But the truth is if a story was broadcast on the news in length about SIDS it would mean that someone in the public eye had too lost their child. Never wishing the same experience for any family, I've often tried to justify the reason we don't hear about SIDS in the news is because it's not happening. My right mind tells me that I know better than that, it happens, but is too much for anyone to comprehend better yet report on.

It is important to note that the cause of the passing of baby Odom, respectfully, has not been officially determined. I stress this because there is nothing like hearing "speculation" in an instance such as this, especially when the reference is to your child, there is not a more personal matter.

That their light may always shine...

"Precious Child"

"Precious Child" was written by Karen Taylor-Good in loving memory of her nephew, Paul Rodgers. She first performed this beautiful song in Nashville at the 1998 National Conference of The Compassionate Friends, a national nonprofit self-help support organization that offers friendship and understanding to bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings.

The night before Lorenzo's Birthday my husband and I attended our local TCF (The Compassionate Friends) grief support group. We have been attending TCF since the passing of Lorenzo. TCF has been of great support, unfortunately filled with others who too have lost.

This particular night, less than a week before memorial day, we gathered in a circle, lit candles and read poetic memorials in honor of our loved ones. At the end we all held hands and listened to "Precious Child" -


**************************************

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart


HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRECIOUS SON...

Dreamer

As mentioned on the homepage of http://lorenzogarcia.com, DREAMER: Inspired by a true story is the motion picture that my husband was working on when Lorenzo passed on. In October 2004, a year after Lorenzo passed, the movie was released. Just this past week the DVD was released.

While at Target I anxiously looked around for the DVD. There it was against the wall, multiple copies for sale. I wished I could take them all, but instead I bought a few. When I got home I knew that it was a can of worms opening up the package to watch, I was by myself. Having seen the movie before I was familiar with the opening scene, music included. Beautifully shot, it's an overhead view of Kentucky farmland. Picturesque wide open spaces have always warmed my heart, but for obvious reasons this one made me cry.

While on location throughout Kentucky and Lousiana, my husband would send me digital pics of his day. In turn, I would send pictures of our family, especially Lorenzo's progress, that is how we kept in touch. To date, I still have our emails back and forth.

Seeing the movie in the theater for the first time was very difficult. We had the opportunity to attend a private screening with some of the crew and cast. I probably cried through the entire movie, or at least I wanted to. Memories of better times and the reality of the moment kept crossing my mind. Nonetheless, I managed to absorb the storyline and enjoy the movie. It's a quality film that the entire family can enjoy, to the day my husband is proud to have been associated with a great piece of work, he speaks highly of all those he got to work with.

Although I've only had the pleasure of meeting a handful of the crew, my heart has always had the desire to thank everyone personally for their assistance, love and support. I am thankful to the female in the production office that I spoke with who eventually linked me to my husband in order to break the news. To the day I remember the concern in her voice, I stressed the importance of my husband not being alone and she assured me he would not. I thankful to my husband's work associate, Ken, who not only stayed with him in his hotel room, but flew back home with him as an escort, they continue to be friends. I am thankful to the Writer/ Director, and Producers and crew of the film that kept in touch with my family to check up on us and made sure we had food delivered everyday. I am thankful for the "In loving memory of" dedication in honor of Lorenzo that can be found in the end credits of the movie, I am thankful for all the cards, phone calls, well wishes. I am thankful for the beautiful flowers the Fanning family sent. It means so much to me to finally send my personal thanks to a group of people that my husband loved working with, it's good to know that despite the tragedy of it all, a silver lining exists.

As I wrap up this blog the movie continues to run in the background. My neice watches it again and my husband joins, life is somehow still beautiful....

http://dreamer.dreamworks.com

The Smashing Pumpkins' "Today"

If you're familiar with the music of 'The Smashing Pumpkins", you know their 1992 hit "Today". I've chosen to ignore the (said) negative inspiration behind this piece of work and instead have extracted what I took from it...

It starts with a beautiful guitar solo by Billy Corgan and continues with the lyrics "Today is the greatest day I've ever known" - Needless to say, Billy Corgan's voice is beautifully unique, as obvious in all of his work. That one line (... The greatest day I've ever known) has forever been a motto of mine, a way of life until the passing of Lorenzo.

The first time I heard that song after he passed was incredibly difficult, my "great" streak was gone, I could no longer say those words. Because I am not the kind of person that will drop-kick a work of art because of my own unfortunate biases, I continued to do my best to enjoy what was left of this song...

I can finally once again say that "Today is the greatest day I've ever known" -- I can now hear that song and the words ring true once more. Life did take a major detour, and continues to have occasional bumps, however to live today without ever knowing Lorenzo would be a profound loss in itself. His essence is forever with me, and for that, today really is the greatest day I've ever known.

Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony

On this special day, our family will be joining thousands of people around the globe in a candle-lighting ceremony at 7pm. This ceremony, in it's 9th year, is an opportunity for bereaved families everywhere to remember and celebrate the lives of children who have gone too soon.

Candles have been lit in our home since Renzo's passing, but participating with those who have unfortunately experienced the same was important. I used to think that is was a matter of "misery loves company", but admittedly, that attitude is just anger from within. As I stand side by side next to a person who knows the depth of our pain, I love and support my fellow brother or sister, as I know they do the same for us.

And, of course, I send my everlasting love to Renzo and all children who have passed on. This day would not be complete without a spiritual connection to Renzo. I've often said that I can choose to connect with him wherever I am, but the collective positive energy from the families who will attend the ceremony was important, contributing is very important. We love you Lorenzo.

"... That their light may always shine"

Dia de los Muertos

Yesterday was the "Day of the Dead" in Mexico. Also celebrated in the States, we made our first altar.

Basically...

Day of the Dead in Mexico represents a mixture of Christian devotion and Pre-Hispanic traditions and beliefs. As a result of this mixture, the celebration comes to life as an unique Mexican tradition including an altar and offerings dedicated to the deceased.


The altar includes four main elements of nature — earth, wind, water, and fire.


Earth is represented by crop: The Mexicans believe the souls are fed by the aroma of food.


Wind is represented by a moving object: Tissue paper is commonly used to represent wind.


Water is placed in a container for the soul to quench its thirst after the long journey to the altar. * www.dayofhedead.com


Although I've heard of Dia de los Muertos my entire life, I've never made an altar. There are also a couple of other pictures on the altar for other family members who have passed.

To the day, whenever I pass a cemetery, I say a silent prayer for the souls who have passed on. It does not matter to me that I did not know them personally, I honor their mere existence on this plane. They were once somebody's newborn baby, sister, brother, mother / father, friend.

I have to admit that assembling the altar was painful. When it came time to choose which of Lorenzo's items would be placed on the altar the reality hit again-- this actually happened, it hurt deeply. But seeing Christian take my lead and comfortably place a small toy on the altar reminded me that I am still a mother and it is my responsibility to continue to teach, even that which hurts so much.

Some might think this to be morbid, but (unfortunately) death is a part of life. It's important for us, at least it is to me, to teach our children about this painful part of life, respectively. The altar brought the issue of death into our own home. It served as a visual reminder of that which we fear the most, and at the same time paid honor and respect to the ones we love.

I hope that Christian will someday carry on the tradition.


We love you Lorenzo...

Lorenzo's Goodbye

A year ago almost this very moment was the last time I spent time with Lorenzo. We had our routine every night, like me, he was like clockwork. Late afternoon/early evening I would stroll him around the neighborhood before the sunset, he would usually fall asleep. After came the feeding, the playing, my own feeding, the bath. Lorenzo loved bathtime. Never much for tears, he smiled and blinked everytime the water rolled down his face. And when it was time to dry him off he would love the hide-and-seek towel game. As I placed baby lotion on him I would sometimes sing silly tunes in hope of distracting him from a cold moment, but he never complained.

This night I placed a sort of Jungle Gym on top of my bed. It was red with white polka dots, looked like a big lady bug. With soft padding on the bottom and dangling objects of all sizes on the top, Lorenzo would lay down and gaze up at the different things hanging down. At the same time, I would alternate different toys in anticipation of him eventually getting bored. With the television on in the background, I would dim the lamp little by little until he went to sleep.

This night RACHAEL RAY's $40 A DAY was on. I gotta tell you, he seemed more intrigued with these type shows, moreso than cartoons. In any event, this night I remember sitting up on my bed with my back against the pillows. As I peeked around his play area I felt a distinct energy. An energy most of us have at least felt once in our lives, the energy of someone looking at us. I turned to my right and looked down. It was Lorenzo. His eyes were incredibly full. He looked me straight on, it took my breath away. When he knew he had my full attention he smiled at me, it was beautiful. My heart literally skipped a beat, I was in awe of his command. As I took a breath I held my hand to my chest and said "Lorenzo, mama loves you too..." Never in my life had I felt the radiant feeling that he gave, it was magical.

I thanked the lord before I went to bed that night, I cried because I was so happy, I truly knew that we were blessed...

In the air

As Fall quickly approaches we are reminded of this time last year. Although the weather keeps shifting, it is obvious that the night is falling faster everyday.

For the first time a couple of weeks ago I felt a cool breeze in the air. I looked up at the sky, it just looked different. Coming from a region where the change of season is not as apparent as some, for once I could identify change in the air - it broke my heart, yet I was fully aware of the beauty of nature.

The leaves on the trees are slowly starting to fall. Before you know it, little goblins, princesses and warriors will be knocking on our door for a trick-or-treat. Another sign that life keeps going on. Traditionally Halloween was one of my favorite "holidays", it still is, despite the void in my heart. I enjoy the spirit of the kids' excited about dressing up or being their favorite action hero, their innocence is such a beautiful thing.

With the change in season comes the marker that we are coming upon the anniversary of Lorenzo's death. His passing hurts more than anything I have ever felt in my life, everyday I am in total disbelief that he is physically gone, yet I know he is still here..


Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can i sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can i handle the seasons of my life

Today

Today I went to Yoga class. It had been quite a while, I've not felt well lately. The idea was to stretch out both physically and mentally, usually I feel better thereafter.

With all good intention to be in the moment of the meditation / position, I was reminded of my reality. Before class started the Yoga instructor was having a semi private conversation with one of the students in the class. It turns out that she, the instructor, did not know that the facility she was teaching at had childcare for those mothers with children. I knew that if Renzo were still here that, more than likely, he would be in childcare at that very moment. Because I thought their conversation would end shortly, I centered myself back into my own world, doing a mental -stretch - meditation of my own. However, their conversation did not end there.

I could not help but wonder, selfishly, why our instructor was cutting into class time while having a one on one with her student. Before you know it, the instructor addressed the whole class and thanked everyone who "took the time and trouble" to haul their children to the gym just so they could attend her specific class. With that in mind, our instructor told us that she was grateful, and therefore would really work harder to make it a worthwhile class for us now, and in the future. It was at that moment that the light came on...

What started as just another Yoga class, then transpired to a thank you to those with children in daycare, and ended with a debt of gratitude. I really liked her rationale and quest to work harder for us, it made sense in a very profound way.

Suffice it to say, I wish I were one of those mother's going through the "trouble" to have my baby there. I imagine that, as it goes, I'm always going to be reminded of what could have been, what should have been.


Lights will guide you home....

Blessings -

"Music Matters"

Last night we went to the Hollwood Bowl - Opening night. It was great music... TRISHA YEARWOOD, tribute to FRANK SINATRA, JOSHUA BELL, and... my favorite - JOSH GROBIN. JOSH is special because I was compelled to buy his latest CD before Renzo was born, hearing his voice was so inspiring that it would make me shiver when I heard him sing on the radio, it called to me. I thought it would be the CD I would listen to in the hospital while in labor. I never took the CD and it stayed on the shelf in plastic wrap. I did not even remember it until after Renzo passed. The day he was buried, it rained like crazy at night. That night, my husband and I cried together, again, as we had just realized that one of our turtles died - after 17 years. We figured that Renzo took the turtle to heaven with him, it was much too much to handle. When we were in the room we heard a steady noise outside, it was the first rain fo the season. It was unbelievable, it had not rained at all up until that day, it poured. One of the songs on the JOSH GROBIN CD is called REMEMBER WHEN IT RAINED. I played that song after Renzo died, it broke my heart, but I knew it was a sign. When JOSH GROBIN sang last night, tears flowed down my face, it was such a pleasure to hear his magical voice.

At Renzo's funeral, one of the songs we chose to the background his video picture presentation was OVER THE RAINBOW from the Wizard of Oz, the original by Judy Garland. I had heard that song about 3 times in the following weeks after he died, it seemed to pop up everywhere. Since when does anyone you ever hear that song consecutively? So last night, the closing song was sung by TRISHA YEARWOOD. What was it? OVER THE RAINBOW. My husband and I just whispered at one another "Oh No..." - We knew we were going to lose it. It was so beautiful, she did a good job singing it. We just sat there and cried individually, everyone must have thought it we were nuts. I buried my head in my sweatshirt, it was so very diffiuclt to hear, was unexpected, we were just trying to get out with friends for a relaxing night with good music. Since we were outdoors, and far from the stage, there were big screen TV's so all can see what is going on on stage. I popped up my head from under my sweatshirt to look at the big screen during the last verse of the song. I swear, as soon ( and I am talking about AS SOON AS) as TRISHA YEARWOOD sang the very last word of OVER THE RAINBOW, A SHOOTING STAR appeared just to the right of the big screen, it was sooo awesome, it really snapped me out of a deep sadness. I could hear people around me say "wow, a shooting star!" - The timing was impecable, it was another magical moment..


I am so glad I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and still a heart to feel - despite everything.


You raise me up so I can stand on mountains...


* publised at 12:11 on 6/25 *

Milestones

Time keeps on ticking away, Renzo still is not here. From time to time I meet people who have either recently had a baby, or have just celebrated their child's 1st Birthday. Where we should be one of those parent's, what we have to offer is only a memory, and a vision of what should have been.

The milestone of Renzo's 1st birthday has come and gone. It was a tough week leading up to and away from it. We did not know just how we were going to handle it, but we did the best we could. What started out as a "Chuck-E-Cheese" weekend with a girlfriend of mine (with her child, of course), turned out to be the celebration that would have been.

Before you know it, my niece and I snuck away to buy some baby blue balloons, after all, this was more than a barbeque.

It was obvious that the mood of that particular weekend would be a challenge, I thought that renting a "bouncer" would be fun. It did not matter to me that only 2 kids would be there, it was for Renzo. Besides that, I was going to get in and celebrate the birth of my son, the birth of our son.

Bit by bit more people were invited outside of our immediate family & best of friends, including more kids - As I jumped up and down in the bouncer I smiled, I felt happiness in my heart, pleased for the moment despite the obvious. It was super being with the kids (big and small) in the bouncer, they were happy and being part of their special moment meant so much to me.

It was a good event, more than we could imagine. We did a ceremonial releasing of the balloons for Renzo, wishing him a happy birthday and thanking him for his presence. How we wished he was physically here to receive those balloons, but nonetheless, he was here in spirit and in our hearts.

At the end, we celebrated with lotsa ice cream, cheesecake, and the leftover birthday cake from the prior week.

I cannot say that this will become an annual event, but I can say, the milestone that should have been his, but turned quite the opposite, was a very important milestone for us.

We miss you Renzo, we miss you so much.

Feliz Cumpleanos.

Con todo mi amor,

Mamita

Anniversaries

It's close to the midnight hour, Renzo was born almost a year to date. A while back someone told me that "Anniversaries" would be difficult. I really didn't know what that meant at the moment, but there have been many an anniversary since Renzo passed on.

The date of his birth is absolutely an Anniversary of sorts. Whether I know it or not, deep inside an obvious pain of what should have been surfaces even more. This time last year my husand and I were at the hospital, this time last year my family was embarking on a very happy moment, Renzo was so loved and so wanted in my world, in our world.

As it goes, I had visions of his first Birthday party. It is definitely the opinion of some, including myself, that the first Birthday is almost a celebration for the family. A milestone, that first year of life, the first year of birth is one to be celebrated. Afterall, so much happens in that first year. The brain continues to develop at a rapid place, the body does the same. There's the first tooth, the first rollover, the first crawl, the first solid food, the smiles, the sound of laughter, and most of all, the innocent and beautiful - most anticipated- "Mama" and "Dada".

SIDS Babies never have that chance

My heart hurts so badly. What it is going to take to call attention to this matter? Babies are human beings, not just an extension of our egos. They matter too, along with all living life. Where does the thriving end? How does their will to survive just disappear? Who will be their voice?

I hope my cries never go unheard.


We love you Rencito.


Take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place, if you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.....

The cat that suddenly appeared

I mentioned Buds sometime ago, he is the cat that appeared on Thanksgiving morning, about a month after Renzo passed away. A beautiful grey cat, Buds was named so for the obvious. My husband and I sat on the carpet Thanksgiving morning, putting together some photos of Renzo that we were going to place in a frame just purchased online. We wanted the pictures up to make everyone comfortable, the frame with various pictures still sits on the wall before the front door. My husband and I both cried, it was a simple task that was incredibly painful. He got up after a while, as I sat and indulged in the memories of what once was. Tears rolled down my face, it was much too much for me. My oldest son came out and sat with me, feeling for the moment. That was a strange occurrence,I didn't know I was that loud. After a while, he too left. I gathered the scattered pictures and put them away. As I got up, I looked to the back door, there was Buds peeking through the window.

Through a very trying time Buddy was with us. At first we didn't let him in, soon enough he was sleeping on our bed. My head would turn around in wonder, where did our baby son go? Why is there a strange cat on our bed? Maybe we all needed each other. We treated Buds like our own, but he was accustomed to the outside so we accommodated him with in and out privileges. So many told us to keep him in the house, I could not do that. How could I take away this free being and lock him up in my environment? It was a pleasure to see Buddy lounge in the sun, climb a tree, chase a squirrel.

The cat that suddenly appeared has disappeared.

It's been near 3 weeks that Buddy has been gone. My level of "cetainty" that he would come back is diminishing everyday. I still have hope, yet nothing surprises me anymore. I found it interesting that, at the same time Buds disappeared, I was feeling a dark emotional layer being lifted. I suddenly felt more "normal" than not, hard to explain, yet that is exactly the way it felt. As a friend put it, and as I already knew, Buds came at a very fragile time, he was right on time, and now he's gone.

I miss him too...

It's been a while

Today I realized that I hadn't posted anything in a while. I attribute that to my fluctuating mood, it has been so bizarre that anything I would have written would have come off as sounding either pessimistic or just too much to handle. One thing I do know is that people tend to back off when something is too heavy. Things we are not used to hearing are uncomfortable and can be difficult to comprehend. We're used to retreating into the world that we know, the safe place that we go when something is not right.

SIDS Happens Everyday.

One thing that I do know is that I have never been afraid to speak the truth. In some circumstances that can get you in trouble, but I am talking about truth in the things that matter, issues of life and death. When I speak frankly about the death of Renzo, I am not speaking to push sadden or frighten anyone, I am speaking in memory of one of the great loves of my life. I am speaking about a soul who was not only special to me, but special to everyone who met him. I am left as a mere conduit to his memory. It's not necessarily just about keeping his memory alive, it's about shouting out the fact that this is not right.

One day healthy, the next day gone.

On occasion I have heard "just have another one" - Wow, what a statement! No kidding, people actually think they are positively contributing by suggesting such a simple "solution" - Whoa. I guess they too reach the point of not knowing whatelse to say, whatelse to think. One person said "you'll feel better", begging the question as to how they would know that. I smile, sometimes often. My smiles are even bigger than before, sometimes exaggerated, as I know how quickly life can turn around. Part of that smile comes from knowing that, despite the tragedy, we were truly blessed to have had Renzo in the first place.

Everyday I search, everyday I will continue to search. I know the light is there.

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful....