Blessings -

"Music Matters"

Last night we went to the Hollwood Bowl - Opening night. It was great music... TRISHA YEARWOOD, tribute to FRANK SINATRA, JOSHUA BELL, and... my favorite - JOSH GROBIN. JOSH is special because I was compelled to buy his latest CD before Renzo was born, hearing his voice was so inspiring that it would make me shiver when I heard him sing on the radio, it called to me. I thought it would be the CD I would listen to in the hospital while in labor. I never took the CD and it stayed on the shelf in plastic wrap. I did not even remember it until after Renzo passed. The day he was buried, it rained like crazy at night. That night, my husband and I cried together, again, as we had just realized that one of our turtles died - after 17 years. We figured that Renzo took the turtle to heaven with him, it was much too much to handle. When we were in the room we heard a steady noise outside, it was the first rain fo the season. It was unbelievable, it had not rained at all up until that day, it poured. One of the songs on the JOSH GROBIN CD is called REMEMBER WHEN IT RAINED. I played that song after Renzo died, it broke my heart, but I knew it was a sign. When JOSH GROBIN sang last night, tears flowed down my face, it was such a pleasure to hear his magical voice.

At Renzo's funeral, one of the songs we chose to the background his video picture presentation was OVER THE RAINBOW from the Wizard of Oz, the original by Judy Garland. I had heard that song about 3 times in the following weeks after he died, it seemed to pop up everywhere. Since when does anyone you ever hear that song consecutively? So last night, the closing song was sung by TRISHA YEARWOOD. What was it? OVER THE RAINBOW. My husband and I just whispered at one another "Oh No..." - We knew we were going to lose it. It was so beautiful, she did a good job singing it. We just sat there and cried individually, everyone must have thought it we were nuts. I buried my head in my sweatshirt, it was so very diffiuclt to hear, was unexpected, we were just trying to get out with friends for a relaxing night with good music. Since we were outdoors, and far from the stage, there were big screen TV's so all can see what is going on on stage. I popped up my head from under my sweatshirt to look at the big screen during the last verse of the song. I swear, as soon ( and I am talking about AS SOON AS) as TRISHA YEARWOOD sang the very last word of OVER THE RAINBOW, A SHOOTING STAR appeared just to the right of the big screen, it was sooo awesome, it really snapped me out of a deep sadness. I could hear people around me say "wow, a shooting star!" - The timing was impecable, it was another magical moment..


I am so glad I have eyes to see, ears to hear, and still a heart to feel - despite everything.


You raise me up so I can stand on mountains...


* publised at 12:11 on 6/25 *

Milestones

Time keeps on ticking away, Renzo still is not here. From time to time I meet people who have either recently had a baby, or have just celebrated their child's 1st Birthday. Where we should be one of those parent's, what we have to offer is only a memory, and a vision of what should have been.

The milestone of Renzo's 1st birthday has come and gone. It was a tough week leading up to and away from it. We did not know just how we were going to handle it, but we did the best we could. What started out as a "Chuck-E-Cheese" weekend with a girlfriend of mine (with her child, of course), turned out to be the celebration that would have been.

Before you know it, my niece and I snuck away to buy some baby blue balloons, after all, this was more than a barbeque.

It was obvious that the mood of that particular weekend would be a challenge, I thought that renting a "bouncer" would be fun. It did not matter to me that only 2 kids would be there, it was for Renzo. Besides that, I was going to get in and celebrate the birth of my son, the birth of our son.

Bit by bit more people were invited outside of our immediate family & best of friends, including more kids - As I jumped up and down in the bouncer I smiled, I felt happiness in my heart, pleased for the moment despite the obvious. It was super being with the kids (big and small) in the bouncer, they were happy and being part of their special moment meant so much to me.

It was a good event, more than we could imagine. We did a ceremonial releasing of the balloons for Renzo, wishing him a happy birthday and thanking him for his presence. How we wished he was physically here to receive those balloons, but nonetheless, he was here in spirit and in our hearts.

At the end, we celebrated with lotsa ice cream, cheesecake, and the leftover birthday cake from the prior week.

I cannot say that this will become an annual event, but I can say, the milestone that should have been his, but turned quite the opposite, was a very important milestone for us.

We miss you Renzo, we miss you so much.

Feliz Cumpleanos.

Con todo mi amor,

Mamita

Anniversaries

It's close to the midnight hour, Renzo was born almost a year to date. A while back someone told me that "Anniversaries" would be difficult. I really didn't know what that meant at the moment, but there have been many an anniversary since Renzo passed on.

The date of his birth is absolutely an Anniversary of sorts. Whether I know it or not, deep inside an obvious pain of what should have been surfaces even more. This time last year my husand and I were at the hospital, this time last year my family was embarking on a very happy moment, Renzo was so loved and so wanted in my world, in our world.

As it goes, I had visions of his first Birthday party. It is definitely the opinion of some, including myself, that the first Birthday is almost a celebration for the family. A milestone, that first year of life, the first year of birth is one to be celebrated. Afterall, so much happens in that first year. The brain continues to develop at a rapid place, the body does the same. There's the first tooth, the first rollover, the first crawl, the first solid food, the smiles, the sound of laughter, and most of all, the innocent and beautiful - most anticipated- "Mama" and "Dada".

SIDS Babies never have that chance

My heart hurts so badly. What it is going to take to call attention to this matter? Babies are human beings, not just an extension of our egos. They matter too, along with all living life. Where does the thriving end? How does their will to survive just disappear? Who will be their voice?

I hope my cries never go unheard.


We love you Rencito.


Take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place, if you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.....

The cat that suddenly appeared

I mentioned Buds sometime ago, he is the cat that appeared on Thanksgiving morning, about a month after Renzo passed away. A beautiful grey cat, Buds was named so for the obvious. My husband and I sat on the carpet Thanksgiving morning, putting together some photos of Renzo that we were going to place in a frame just purchased online. We wanted the pictures up to make everyone comfortable, the frame with various pictures still sits on the wall before the front door. My husband and I both cried, it was a simple task that was incredibly painful. He got up after a while, as I sat and indulged in the memories of what once was. Tears rolled down my face, it was much too much for me. My oldest son came out and sat with me, feeling for the moment. That was a strange occurrence,I didn't know I was that loud. After a while, he too left. I gathered the scattered pictures and put them away. As I got up, I looked to the back door, there was Buds peeking through the window.

Through a very trying time Buddy was with us. At first we didn't let him in, soon enough he was sleeping on our bed. My head would turn around in wonder, where did our baby son go? Why is there a strange cat on our bed? Maybe we all needed each other. We treated Buds like our own, but he was accustomed to the outside so we accommodated him with in and out privileges. So many told us to keep him in the house, I could not do that. How could I take away this free being and lock him up in my environment? It was a pleasure to see Buddy lounge in the sun, climb a tree, chase a squirrel.

The cat that suddenly appeared has disappeared.

It's been near 3 weeks that Buddy has been gone. My level of "cetainty" that he would come back is diminishing everyday. I still have hope, yet nothing surprises me anymore. I found it interesting that, at the same time Buds disappeared, I was feeling a dark emotional layer being lifted. I suddenly felt more "normal" than not, hard to explain, yet that is exactly the way it felt. As a friend put it, and as I already knew, Buds came at a very fragile time, he was right on time, and now he's gone.

I miss him too...

It's been a while

Today I realized that I hadn't posted anything in a while. I attribute that to my fluctuating mood, it has been so bizarre that anything I would have written would have come off as sounding either pessimistic or just too much to handle. One thing I do know is that people tend to back off when something is too heavy. Things we are not used to hearing are uncomfortable and can be difficult to comprehend. We're used to retreating into the world that we know, the safe place that we go when something is not right.

SIDS Happens Everyday.

One thing that I do know is that I have never been afraid to speak the truth. In some circumstances that can get you in trouble, but I am talking about truth in the things that matter, issues of life and death. When I speak frankly about the death of Renzo, I am not speaking to push sadden or frighten anyone, I am speaking in memory of one of the great loves of my life. I am speaking about a soul who was not only special to me, but special to everyone who met him. I am left as a mere conduit to his memory. It's not necessarily just about keeping his memory alive, it's about shouting out the fact that this is not right.

One day healthy, the next day gone.

On occasion I have heard "just have another one" - Wow, what a statement! No kidding, people actually think they are positively contributing by suggesting such a simple "solution" - Whoa. I guess they too reach the point of not knowing whatelse to say, whatelse to think. One person said "you'll feel better", begging the question as to how they would know that. I smile, sometimes often. My smiles are even bigger than before, sometimes exaggerated, as I know how quickly life can turn around. Part of that smile comes from knowing that, despite the tragedy, we were truly blessed to have had Renzo in the first place.

Everyday I search, everyday I will continue to search. I know the light is there.

Tap on my window, knock on my door, I want to make you feel beautiful....

Higher Communication

Once in a great while I have a terrific Renzo dream, when morning comes I feel both happy and sad.

The Dream:

I was holding Renzo while walking to a flight of stairs. I remember thinking about what a big boy he was. He was wearing a "4th of July" outfit, something a friend had bought for him. As we sat ont the stairway, waving goodbye to a family member, Renzo looked up at me. He motioned that I had to kiss him (mouth to mouth) to make him breathe again, so I did, again and again. It was almost like a game. He started to speak to me, though his lips never moved. Like a child, he said "mommy, do it again",I did. Each time I pecked his lips I would take a breath into his mouth as though administering CPR. Once I just felt like giving him a kiss, a peck on the lips. He was frustrated because I did not do it right, he said "you're not doing it right!" - Somewhere inside I laughed because he was such a little guy, yet he spoke volumes.

Renzo was good at communicating his needs. Incredibly intelligent, he could just look at you and convey a feeling. Sometimes when he would get frustrated (didn't like a toy, hungry on the spot, etc), he would take the high road and just lean his head in dispair with a look in his eyes that said "I'm not happy". Our relationship was like a dance, we did it well. I was usually about 2 seconds ahead of him, I usually caught his need before he conveyed it. Some would say that I was setting him up to be spoiled. When I heard that, I could not help but think "so what?", I am his mother. In retrospect, I am so happy that I gave the most that I could, that any parent should.

What makes SIDS so mind boggling is that one minute they are vibrant, thriving, and growing in every form, then they're gone. Getting into details about what the final moment was or wasn't is too painful to tackle, one would just hope that angels were nearby, making "the transition" most comfortable.

I am thankful for my dreams, they keep me optimistic that there is an "over the rainbow" - Somewhere.

Distraction

Distraction is good, it can take away the mood of the moment, if only for a moment.

My morning distraction was when I appeared to be charged twice for recent dry cleaning. When I called the dry cleaner a woman told me that "she was busy" and could not help me- period, no further conversation or recommendation. I reminded her that she is running a business and that I am a customer who needs a resolution to my $68 x 2 problem. Honestly though, in the end I think it was just one big language communication breakdown. So I went the other route, gave a heads-up to my bank to let them know that I had a problem that I did not think would get resolved in a moments time. When all was said and done I felt bad about the tone in my voice, afterall, she appeared to be a very nice person when I met her last week, just a communication problem.

* Dad's distraction of the moment is the current LA Dodger Stat, 11-2. Ahh.. distractions aren't always bad! *

Coming home after work is always a little difficult, especially when the house is empty. My mind looks for things to do, cleaning and such, so that I do not have to think about the obvious. Sure enough, one of our cats is missing. Buds is an indoor/outdoor cat, he finally came out from under the sofa. Listless, refusing to eat, what now? I looked closer, Buds jaw is inflammed. I've made an appointment to see the Vet tomorrow, a costly distraction it's gonna be. Oh well, he's good to us, it hurts to see him ill. Buds actually found us after we lost Renzo. Interesting how things seem to transpire, will go into detail about that sometime...

For now, it's good to recognize that the challenges of the moment are really what we make them, a definite matter of perspective.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies..."